i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
