That's when you crack a 10am beer
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
