Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
