Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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