I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
