just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I will pee on everything he values.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
