3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
