i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
