I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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