Need sex. Gaining weight.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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