i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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