he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
