I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
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