I'm lost and stupid without you.
I look better un-naked...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
