why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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