The maid of honor just puked.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
