Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I puked a lego.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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