So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
