I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
