i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
