It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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