if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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