My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Randomize
