her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
