Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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