every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
