Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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