i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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