god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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