oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
