this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
