How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
