His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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