How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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