i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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