I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
