Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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