I think I won the penis lottery.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
