So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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