So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
