So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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