Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
