grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
