I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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