one might say we're banned from that church
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
