Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
