you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
3pm strippers are depressing
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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