i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
