I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
