I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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