if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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