the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
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