If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
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Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
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He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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