Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
