This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
